Slowly Breaking

December 6, 2009

            Today was the day I was supposed to go on my ski trip. Yes, I said supposed to go. I woke up around 6am feeling quite sick. If you know me at all, you know I will do anything to keep myself from tossing my cookies. I went to our kitchen and opened the door to outside. I stood in the -7ºC and snow until my nausea would pass. Then when I would come inside, it would return. So I would go back out. Finally after about ten minutes of this, I inched my way inside and took a sip of some Coke. I stood in the doorway a bit longer before I began to shiver a bit. I walked back to my room unsure of what to do. If I wanted to go skiing I had about 20 minutes to make it to the where the vans were picking us up and the walk alone takes 10 minutes. I had most of my stuff packed already, but it would be a challenge to carry my skis and everything. As I sat, shaking in my bed, I decided I shouldn’t push my body. I was deeply saddened about this decision. I was really looking forward to hanging out with all of my Architecture friends who I’ve felt I have neglected way too much. I texted Brittany and Carmen letting them know how I was feeling and that I wasn’t coming. Apparently they resented the fact I haven’t hung out with them much also because I only got a reply a few hours later from Carmen asking me why I choose to never join them in anything. I felt, today, like I have failed my relationships in Finland.

            I have been pushing my body to its limits lately. With sleep, food, weather… etc. Still, some days I will stay awake all night. Sleep a few hours here, a few there. I haven’t had much of an appetite at all lately, and forcing myself to eat is a most frustrating and uncomfortable regimen. Seeing time flying by, I’ve been out in the snow for hours and hours. I guess my body has had enough.

Today, I rested. While my body is beginning to feel better, my heart is becoming worse. The closer I get to coming home, the more I fear it. Now it’s the little things that are affecting me, like this ski trip, for instance. It’s not a huge deal, but a bigger deal because I am trying to squeeze everything in that I can and have wanted to do here. I guess these are always the times when you look back and see what you would have done different or would have liked to have done. I think I just have a hard time accepting those things. I feel pressure to fix them. Pressure from myself.